"Am I gay?" is often a question you ask yourself when you are, in fact, gay.
For me, it was pretty obvious: I was attracted to people regardless of their gender from a very young age. I was attracted to boys and girls (did not know about trans people or non-binary people at that time). I knew from the beginning but it was still a little bit blurry because like a lot of kids, I did not know about queer people at first. I never felt really different because I liked boys like girls are supposed to. I just liked girls as well. A lot of crushes I had growing up were men (Jacob from Twilight, bands members, Aladdin, Eric from the Little Mermaid and more...). What I had not realized was that I also had crushes on girls but I thought I just wanted to be like them (Jasmine from Aladdin, Alice from Twilight, Raven from Teen Titans and much, much more...).
The first openly gay character from TV that I remember was Thomas in Plus Belle La Vie, a french soap opera. He was proudly gay and I was traumatised by an episode where he was assaulted by a group of men because of his sexuality. This was my first encounter to queerness: happiness and pain. Then I learned more and more about sexuality because of side characters in books (for example: Wicca/Sweep by Cate Tiernan) or TV shows (for exemple: Glee or Grey's Anatomy).
I always was interested in LGBTQIA+ rights because I was part of the community but also because I believe in equality for all. I started reading more books about sexuality and learning more and more about the queer community and more about myself. But I had everything to learn: from diverse sexuality to the difference between sex and genre etc...
My parents were very open with the subject and have always been tolerant with LGBTQIA+ people. They are friends with gay men and lesbian women. They even told me liking the same gender was okay because they thought I was in love with my girl best friend (which I was not, Oriana if you are reading this, I love you as a friend, nothing more). But, very weirdly, for a long time I was terrified of going home with a girl. It was only between my 18th birthday and my 20's that I started to feel confident with dating girls. Before that, liking girls was like my little secret. It is weird to have known for so long what I was and actually being proudly open about it. Being queer is a perpetual change and you always have to work on the confidence of being out.
I first heard about Pansexuality/Panromantism from a friend who, just like me knew they liked people regardless of their gender. I remember thinking after she said the definition of the world : "Yeah, this is me." And since then, I always have identify as Pansexual or Panromantic (note: she was also the first person I French kissed which should have been an indicator of my queerness). She also was my first love because it took me a long time to forget about her. I was around 16 years old when she helped me put a word on what I was feelings, I just needed a concrete word for myself.
"Everyone’s attractive to be honest, [...] even if it’s just something small, like some people have beautiful hands. I don’t know. I’m a little bit in love with everyone I meet, but I think that’s normal"
The first time I actually read about a pansexual character was reading Solitaire by Alice Oseman with Michael Holden. It is not written in the book but was confirmed by the author themselves and I was thrilled. He described my feelings exactly as I felt them.
But Alice Oseman was also the one who made me question my sexuality. She wrote Loveless in 2018. The main character of this book, Georgia, is learning about her asexuality and aromanticism. At that time, I identified as demi-sexual because I knew I needed to have feelings for a person in order to have sex with them. There is a specific scene where Georgia and Ronney talk about masturbation and I always thought that asexual people did not masturbate or felt horny. However, this book changed my mind about it. After that, I started to question myself. Am I asexual? I always felt weird about sexuality and having sex as well. I felt connected to Georgia and it made question my entire sexuality.
As of today, I am still questioning my sexuality. For now, I call myself a panromantic demi-sexual person and I will proudly put the flags on my cheeks for Pride. I now work for the LGBTQIA+ centre of Tours where I help queer immigrants with their asylum papers and I really hope that I can make a difference for queer people.
And recently, for the first time ever, I have seen myself fully represented in a book: Imogen Obviously thanks to Lili's character because she is Panromantic and is questioning her sexuality (between asexual and demi-sexual). So a huge thank you to Becky Albertalli for this. It feels good to be understood and seen like this. Especially as it is written on paper with black ink. I would highly recommend you to read this book especially around the "queerbating" debate about actual real people and the danger of gatekeeping in the queer community.
For straight cis people, thank you for reading this article and I hope you will continue to be an ally for LGBTQIA+ people!!!
For queer people, thank you for reading this article! Whether you are closeted or out, you still matter and you are part of the community. You should always come out on your own terms and only YOU, know about your own sexuality and gender identity. It is okay to not know for sure or change your mind. And please remember that without trans people, we would not have the same rights as we have right now, especially trans people of colours who fought for our rights. There is no LGB without the T. With everything happening in the USA and slowly coming to Europe, it is important to remember our roots and we need to show unity.
🩷💛🩵🏳️🌈